Eight Things You Should Know Before Playing Return to Monkey Island

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So, the big news is that the rollicking pirate adventure everyone has been talking about, Return to Monkey Island, is available now for Xbox Series X|S, Windows, as well as with Game Pass! I know you’re going to want to jump in and play it right away, but before you do that, here are some important things I think you should be aware of:

1. The Anchors Are a Lie

One of the characters in the game is going to tell you a lot of random facts about anchors. I want to reassure you that these facts are not necessary for gameplay, or for the story. They never come up again. You can forget them. Also, in case you don’t forget them, I want to be sure you understand that the “facts” are made up. The character in question is not a deliberate liar, but she is a confident person who is not very good at doing research. Please do not use Return to Monkey Island as a factual source for your Wikipedia article about anchors. It’s probably best not to use the game as a factual source, period.

Return to Monkey Island Screenshot

2. The Fish Are Not a Lie

Because I don’t want you to lose any bar bets, I need to let you know that, unlike the anchor facts, the fish for sale at the fish shop in Return to Monkey Island are all meticulously researched, real fish. Hagfish, toadfish, slimehead, bloater, and lumpsucker are things that exist in the outside world, as unlikely as that seems. We may have taken some liberties with their ability to move and survive outside of the water.

3. Avocado Soda Is Both Fictional and Real and It’s Not Our Fault

Avocado soda is something we made up for the game, but a quick internet search will turn up plenty of examples of it in the real world as well. We are not affiliated with any of these products, we deny any responsibility for their existence, and we make no claims or assurances about what will or will not happen to you if you drink them.

Return to Monkey Island Screenshot

4. There Are No Monkeys on Monkey Island

Well, okay, there’s a great big monkey head made of stone. But that’s the only one. This is a game about pirates, not monkeys. If you really need monkeys, may we suggest one of the many fine zoo simulators currently on the market.

5. Kids Named Guybrush Will Get Teased at School

After playing this game, you may be tempted to name your next child after mighty pirate Guybrush Threepwood. Of course, you are free to do what you want, but I’d like to remind you that primary school can be difficult for kids with unusual or suggestive names like Guybrush, LeChuck, Grossman, or John. Perhaps you might consider changing your own name instead, or getting a nice tattoo?

Return to Monkey Island Screenshot

6. It’s Good to Try New Things

This is a game that encourages curiosity, not one that punishes it. So don’t worry, go ahead and try things, even if it seems like they won’t help you, or like they might get you arrested, injured, or killed. Er… we’re clear that I’m only talking about things you do inside the game, right? Breaking people out of jail is usually…

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